MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.