MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
You Might Also Like
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Ha
Thursday
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam