Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Just a friendly reminder!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…