Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You Might Also Like
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.