Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*