Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
decorating my apartment
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?