Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
good work, everybody
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*frowns in Scottish*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.