Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.