MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
bought wrong eggs
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My kitchen overserved me.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
dictator is short for richard potato
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.