MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
smh
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please