mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Yes
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber