I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?