I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap