Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?