MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.