MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
OH. COME. ON.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries