*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂