[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My patience has stretch marks.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me