How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Never forget.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”