Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
This hospital has everything
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
#dnd #ttrpg
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”