[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!