[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!