Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.