Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
who did the taste test?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk