RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews