Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?