Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out