“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples