Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments