My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The biggest mystery of our time
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora