Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Holy moly
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”