@shkeeber: Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
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@yonewt: Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your "sweatie"
@DanMentos: me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I'm owned online* wife: do you hear bees
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me.