@shkeeber: Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
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@SuperApple8: Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
@krissywillbretz: [ER] Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC? Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants* Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
@slimmy_shady: Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
@causticbob: My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"