[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.