Muppet Screams
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*orders delivery*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price