@fart: muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this
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@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@TheCatWhisprer: Pics or it didn’t happen... unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
@: [dollar tree] CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars ME: get me the manager
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.