Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.