Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Breaking news:
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.