@i_Lean: Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says "WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP"
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@SteveDutzy: *logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
@Super_Cynthia: 911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
@SirEviscerate: RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
@dubstep4dads: if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship