@AlexvanBeek: Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
@ItsyBitsySwagg: Brain : I'll sleep early tonight Internet : Hahaha TV : Hahaha Books : Hahaha Insomnia : Hahaha
@heidi420x: You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
@UncleDuke1969: "Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."