Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Mountain Goat : )
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.