@AlexvanBeek: Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."
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@rockymomax: [pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha
@JoshuaHvr: This is your brain- *holds out egg* This is your brain on drugs- *puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".