“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Simple enough.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.