@AnOrangeSNES: "Murder most fowl!" I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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@theekillerqueen: I'm gonna start using my cat's ages like y'all do your kids. 5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.
@Tylerosis: There's only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan