“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby