[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You Might Also Like
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A roof is a house hat.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
guys I’m going home
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose