[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Called it
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.