[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I love wikipedia
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
True freaking story!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.