“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?