[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Very suspicious that this keeps happening