[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.