Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd