[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is