[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
buying dead houseplants to save time
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.