MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie